TIME: Almanac 1993/TIME Almanac 1993.iso/time/061190/0611640.000

Text File | 1992-08-28 | 5.9 KB | 134 lines

                                                                                ESSAY, Page 88

These Foolish Things Remind Me of Diet Coke


By Michael Kinsley


    Walt Disney Co. [is] soliciting paid product placements in
a new film, "Mr. Destiny." Companies such as Campbell Soup Co.,
Nabisco Brands and Kraft General Foods Group are believed to
have been contacted . . . The cost structure, as outlined in
letters to marketers, is $20,000 for a visual, $40,000 for a
brand name mention with the visual and $60,000 for an actor to
use the product.

    -- Advertising Age


    Dear Sirs and Madams:

    We represent the playwright, producer and screenwriter
William Shakespeare in the offering of prestigious product
placements in his works. We feel, and Bill agrees, that an
authentic Shakespeare play offers an unrivaled opportunity to
showcase your product.

    Billy is currently working on a docudrama about the life of
King Richard III. This one is sure to generate plenty of
attention, since it adopts the controversial technique of using
actors to re-create real-life news events. Early in the play,
Richard hires two thugs to murder his brother, the Duke of
Clarence. In the scene as written, the murderers declare their
intention to stab Clarence and then "throw him in the
malmsey-butt in the next room," malmsey being a local beverage.


    For $20,000, Bill is prepared to rewrite that line to read:
"throw him in the super-jumbo cup of Diet Coke in the next
room." For $40,000, Bill will move the scene to the next room
and show the Duke actually being drowned in a large Diet Coke
(logo prominently displayed).  For $60,000, the murderers will
also drink the Diet Coke and comment on its thirst-quenching
qualities after their heavy labors.

    Another Shakespeare production, still in the planning stage,
involves the rise and fall of a Scottish king and offers a
variety of rich product-placement opportunities. Three elderly
sisters will be cooking onstage throughout the play, sometimes
even reciting recipes. A single product reference -- "Eye of
newt, toe of frog, one-quarter cup ReaLemon reconstituted lemon
juice" -- will be $20,000. An entire couplet will be priced at
$40,000. For $60,000, the sisters will say, "Heck,  let's just
dump this mess and call Domino's."

    There will be a fantasy sequence involving the lead actor
and a dagger. For $20,000, he could say, "Is that a dagger that
I see before me? Methinks I recognize it from the
Hammacher-Schlemmer catalog." (For $40,000, he will seize the
implement and use it to slice some cheese.) The King also has
trouble sleeping. A Sominex visual would be $20,000; for
$40,000, he would actually swallow a pill; for $60,000, his
insomnia can be cured, though this will take some rewriting.


    A related opportunity involves the female lead, who is
obsessed with personal hygiene. An entire scene is devoted to
her washing her hands. Bill wants $20,000 for each soap product
displayed on her vanity. For $40,000, after moaning "Out,
damned spot," she will turn to the audience, smile brightly,
and say, "And out it came, thanks to pure Ivory soap!" For
$60,000, an attendant will comment that her hands  are "not only
clean, but soft as well, your Majesty."

    We also represent the painter and muralist Michelangelo. As
you know from Variety, he is just finishing the sketches for
his big Sistine Chapel production. Mike has never before
offered product placements in his works, so this is a rare
opportunity for a shrewd advertiser. The ceiling will depict
the moment of creation -- Adam and God with arms outstretched
to each other and fingers touching. It's dynamite, I promise
you. For $20,000, Adam could be wearing a Rolex watch; for
$40,000, God could wear one; for $60,000, both. Although Mike
is committed to the concept of Adam naked, God could be a
wonderful showcase for the right designer. We're thinking of
$20,000 per item  of dress; $40,000 if you want to buy the full
costume. For $60,000, Mike will inscribe the legend "Godwear
by Oscar de la Renta."

    Here, briefly, are some other items from our latest catalog:

    -- We represent a group of lawyers that is adding a Bill of
Rights to the U.S. Constitution. For $20,000, your product can
be included as a basic human right in one of the ten currently
planned amendments. For $40,000, you can have an amendment of
your own. For $60,000, the Constitution will ban rival
products.

    -- We're pleased to announce that T.S. Eliot has joined our
Poets' Corner. For $20,000, J. Alfred Prufrock will ask
himself, "Do I dare to eat a Snickers bar?" For $40,000, he
will answer, "Yes!"

    -- ASCAP has asked us to handle product placements in
popular songs. For example, a ballad called These Foolish
Things is available that lists various items that ostensibly
"remind me of you." For $20,000, the lyric "A tinkling piano
in the next apartment" could be amended to "A tinkling Steinway
. . ." and so on. (For an extra $20,000, the song's title could
be changed to These Wise Investments.)

    -- The prominent civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr.
is planning a big speech on the Washington Mall. Influenced by
the success of product placements in President Kennedy's
Inaugural Address ("Let the word go forth that the torch has
been passed to the Pepsi generation . . ." and so forth), Marty
is prepared to build a big dream sequence around a few selected
products. For $20,000, he will declare, "I have a dream that
some day blacks and whites will sit together at McDonald's,
sharing a Big Mac and fries." For $40,000, he will display a
Big Mac on the podium, and for $60,000, he will consume it
during the speech.

    -- Finally, several clients have asked about the
availability of the Bible. At the moment, the author feels
product placements would undermine his message. But we're
working on him.